Terrible Things

the terrible things we do to each other
are the measure of the depths of our fears
the creatures from the blackness of our nightmares
come out from the cracks in our selves
and devour the good, the whole, and the holy

and only the love that binds
with much concentration and effort
holds the bonds in place
the tears we cry pour in the cracks
fill it in and cover it up

so we shouldn't condemn
the hurtful things that happen to us
for they bring out the love
that lay hidden underneath the layers
of everyday familiarity and contempt

the terrible things we do to each other
are the measure of the depths of our fears
and the heights of our passions
and remind us of the reason why we are here

To the other woman

i am sorry if i am mean.

but put yourself in my shoes.

i don't hate you.
but i can never like you because the only love of my life has the stupidity to call a friend like you his other woman.

and the sweet intimate conversations you had remain burned in my head and weigh heavy in my heart.

would you like it of your boyfriend called another girl "baby" and dedicates songs to her?

then tells you to your face that they are just "friends?"


he is my husband, this guy you are flirting with. i married him because i trusted him. you may not be having sex with him, but i am not a man, i am a woman. and sharing his inner heart with you inflicts more pain that having caught you sharing his bed. (ours, actually, but that is an even worse train of thought)

because now he trusts you more than he trusts me.

this is not a break that is easily mended with crazyglue.

i hope he is happy with you. because he seems to have chosen you over me.

and i also hope that you are happy with him.

One of us ought to be happy ...

because i sure as hell am not!

Alibis

you let everyone know how mean i am to you. that i look down on you as an errand boy or some such low menial person. even when i thought all that time it was a Private conversation between the two of us.

but you know what? we are having this problem and my sister and my mom DON"T EVEN KNOW. No One knows. why should i tell them? so i can feel i am right by their approbations? so they will support me in my righteous defense of my faults?

i don't need them to tell me what to do with my husband. i married you by my own choice and no one else can interfere.

i have friends, but even they don't know what's going on with us right now.

you are special to me. private because you are valuable.

yet you share yourself to another. and you let others know that you share yourself with another. and have the gall to tell me that i have NO RIGHT to interfere between you and her. she tells you what to do with me and i cannot do a thing about her. and so you put her above me.

you defend this right by pointing out all my wrongdoings that hurt your feelings and your pride, the callow way treat you by sending you sustenance then telling you how to budget it, leaving you with the kids then telling you how to raise them, complaining about this and that, about how you neglect the house and the children. what, did i think your position was easy? it's so difficult to do all that i've asked of you. so difficult in fact that you are able to find time to sing for 6 hours straight online for her. that's how hard i've made life for you.

so now you run to this woman... and it's all MY FAULT.

Jealousy

i listen to you sing.
i see her comments.

i don't know if i can ever listen to you in the same way again.

nor believe the words you say in the same unquestioning way.

because i will always wonder if you are singing for her when you say you are singing for me.

or if you are thinking of her when you say a song is for me.

you thought it would be a simple hit and run,
but there are some cuts that run deeper than they look,
and organs that bruise in places that no one has seen.

you have changed the way i look at you,
altered my perceptions of your voice,
tinted the light in which i view you,
tainted the cup from which i drink you.

and now my heart is heavy,
and i can no longer fly away into fantasies of being with you,
nor lift myself unto your arms,
for she will always be there in the background - weighing me down.

and now my eyes are dull,
and i can not see you as clearly as i had before;
nor think of you with my mind's eye
without also seeing her shadow over you.

your purity was so precious to me,
your honesty so valuable,
yet you lied
to obtain information
that was there for all and sundry to see
(had you but stopped for a moment to really look)

wasn't our life together
proof enough
of my fidelity?

Ponderations on the 7 year Rule

the 7 year thing is not just for couples or marriage but also for friends, close friends... if they last longer than that then they're for keeps.

i guess that means that it takes about 7 years for people's real or core personalities to come through - and for other people to feel them.

i had thought that E and C would be for keeps.

C started leaking power-hunger through the cracks and i still stood up for her. but when she tried to focus her black magic on me, i got away as fast as i could. and she probably still thinks that i don't see the real her. that i am as nice and dumb as she thinks i am. she never wanted me back, for reasons of her own. maybe she fears that i know too much, or that i might surpass whatever value she placed upon her abilities as a teacher, or that having been abroad i might simply overshadow her. and the fact that i am simply not interested in the same goals (money, glamor, fame) as she is does not even matter to her. so she just made sure that coming back to the school would not be easy for me.


E on the other hand, i still cant fully understand what went on with her. i don't believe that i had changed in my attitude towards her when i came back from my first trip to the US. but i was just more involved with my own family after having been away from them for so long. i guess being away from each other made her "see" some things that weren't there or that she would have just overloooked had we been together as often as we were when we were still teaching in the same school. and perhaps, having had her first boyfriend gave her the confidence to give me up.

whatever. E does it to most of her friends. and the girls she used to be contemptuous of, she now hangs out with and calls her friends.

i had not realized how much time and circumstance can change people. or from another point of view, how much it can reveal their true selves.

because i think and i feel and so i believe that all through my life i have not changed much. that i am who i was 10, even 15 years ago. if someone who met me back then says that i have changed a lot, then chances are that person did not know me well.

but those who do, know that i am who i was, and will probably always be the same old same old bird(scatter)brain.

a little older, obviously. a little smarter, hopefully. a little wiser, maybe. and a little tougher, wishfully.

Psyche Core Programming

There are some things about myself that i don't like and wish i could change but could never seem to. Instinct, genetic tendencies, internal programming ... call it what you like, it's all the same. Some Inner directive force that acts without thinking and executes in a split second, barely enough time to redirect it or even channel it properly, leaving a bad nasty aftertaste in my mouth.

This is what would happen. I knew it and i wanted to express it but didn't want to seem pessimistic. that there wouldn't be time left in your life for me. that when the crunch comes and i would reach out for a hand to hold, a presence to hold me up when life becomes just a bit more unbearable than usual, you would not be there. and you'd have a really good reason and i would understand ... well, my head would but my heart (stubborn a s it is) would not ... because that is the way i am ... some part of me remains wild and untamed, no matter how domesticated i try to be.

And it's gonna be sore for a while, staying away and moping. coming just this side of close when called but never close enough to be caught, always ready to dance away to a bittersweet escape.

Disappointment is not a pleasant thing specially for those who try not to hope too much nor too soon.

So.

I am sorry for doing this.

But i am who i am
and that is pretty hard to change.

Time Alone

sometimes the universe conspires to leave us with these moments when we are left alone, suddenly by ourselves.

Alone.

and my mind is left free to wander by itself. but it doesn't know where to go and what to do.
sudden and unexpected freedoms are just as stressful as instant hurts and afflictions and the revelations that we would rather live without.bumps and hairpin turns, potholes and ruts in the road, come without warning or occur outside the inner schedules we have set for ourselves.

why am i talking in the plural sense when all it comes down to is me talking to myself about myself?

talk about egotistical and self-centered!

however, looking at those terms in a different light and from another angle, they are not negative in the sense that they are actually good for the soul: to remember who one is and what one's spirit desires to be, and how far apart those two are from each other. How far the distance yet to be covered, these are the things for everyday.


and yet i must remember. because more often than not, i forget. how, one asks, can one forget one's self?

easily. when one thinks about another more than one's self. or others, more often than one thinks who one is and who one wants to be. thus one is lost in the selves of others, and must needs be saved.

and who to save oneself but one's own self?

Knights in shining armor to rescue damsels in distress are in extremely short supply, so one must learn to rely on the only character in the scene: and that is one's self.

Ever afters are written not by omniscient narrators, but by the role players in the set who have forgotten their line and cues and must wing it as best as they can.

There are no script and story writers backstage who have predetermined the flow of the story (or are there?) so the actors must make it up as they go along. How long can they keep it up?