Psyche Core Programming

There are some things about myself that i don't like and wish i could change but could never seem to. Instinct, genetic tendencies, internal programming ... call it what you like, it's all the same. Some Inner directive force that acts without thinking and executes in a split second, barely enough time to redirect it or even channel it properly, leaving a bad nasty aftertaste in my mouth.

This is what would happen. I knew it and i wanted to express it but didn't want to seem pessimistic. that there wouldn't be time left in your life for me. that when the crunch comes and i would reach out for a hand to hold, a presence to hold me up when life becomes just a bit more unbearable than usual, you would not be there. and you'd have a really good reason and i would understand ... well, my head would but my heart (stubborn a s it is) would not ... because that is the way i am ... some part of me remains wild and untamed, no matter how domesticated i try to be.

And it's gonna be sore for a while, staying away and moping. coming just this side of close when called but never close enough to be caught, always ready to dance away to a bittersweet escape.

Disappointment is not a pleasant thing specially for those who try not to hope too much nor too soon.

So.

I am sorry for doing this.

But i am who i am
and that is pretty hard to change.

Time Alone

sometimes the universe conspires to leave us with these moments when we are left alone, suddenly by ourselves.

Alone.

and my mind is left free to wander by itself. but it doesn't know where to go and what to do.
sudden and unexpected freedoms are just as stressful as instant hurts and afflictions and the revelations that we would rather live without.bumps and hairpin turns, potholes and ruts in the road, come without warning or occur outside the inner schedules we have set for ourselves.

why am i talking in the plural sense when all it comes down to is me talking to myself about myself?

talk about egotistical and self-centered!

however, looking at those terms in a different light and from another angle, they are not negative in the sense that they are actually good for the soul: to remember who one is and what one's spirit desires to be, and how far apart those two are from each other. How far the distance yet to be covered, these are the things for everyday.


and yet i must remember. because more often than not, i forget. how, one asks, can one forget one's self?

easily. when one thinks about another more than one's self. or others, more often than one thinks who one is and who one wants to be. thus one is lost in the selves of others, and must needs be saved.

and who to save oneself but one's own self?

Knights in shining armor to rescue damsels in distress are in extremely short supply, so one must learn to rely on the only character in the scene: and that is one's self.

Ever afters are written not by omniscient narrators, but by the role players in the set who have forgotten their line and cues and must wing it as best as they can.

There are no script and story writers backstage who have predetermined the flow of the story (or are there?) so the actors must make it up as they go along. How long can they keep it up?

Welcome to My World

Finally! a chance to express the thoughts that lurk around the depths of what passes for my brain.

And suddenly my mind clamps up and refuses to say anything.


How Typical.


i thought i had outgrown this little foible.


guess i have to practice all over again.


sigh...